FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
