the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
