I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
