I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
