if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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