her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
And then he peed in my hair
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