i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
