Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
