we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
