just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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