brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
