Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
