last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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