I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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