I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
