Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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