please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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