The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
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female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
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I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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