so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
