i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
