I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
