I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
