I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
This house was built for laser tag.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
