thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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