I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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