Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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