i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
