So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
