I'm jealous of your bromance
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
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I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great