Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Watching her eat just hurts me
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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