she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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