You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
