you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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