I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
