i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
God I need to hump something, right now.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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