The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
