3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
