me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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