Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
