my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
