Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I FOUND THE LEGS
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
