I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
