someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
