I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
