Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
