The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
