i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
