last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's shark week go big or go home
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
