Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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