I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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