they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
