Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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