Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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