i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
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