thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
