just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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