Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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