I'm so fucking centered right now
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
