It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
