onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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