i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You're like the curious george of whores
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I have tasted many bathrooms
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
