My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
