just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
