I'm passing your future prison.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
