For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
