Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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