Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
