Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
