Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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